America has begun to spiral into a state of hopelessness. George Washington once said, " Johnson, get your fat ass in the ship and don't rock or you'll flip us into the river!" That quote had nothing to do with this but I felt the need to say it anyways. Yes, that is an actual quote. Anyhow, we as Americans need to stop focusing on foreign affairs such as the overpopulation of Mexico and the lack of child laborers in China, and start looking at the problems we are currently facing in our own country.
Fact! There are currently 313,914,041.65 people living in the United States. However out of all those people, only 18.5 million own an I-Phone. This is simply unacceptable! Everybody needs to have an I-Phone. They provide users with an arsenal of productive applications which can be used to conquer our hectic day to day lives. How are people expected put pants on in the morning without a reminder alert telling them to? Where can people update facebook with their ever changing relationships while at school or work? But most importantly, who do we ask where to hide the bodies!? With this lack of I-Phone wielding citizens our streets will soon be crawling with pantless fiends and abandoned dead bodies. Phase one of Operation First World Problems, arm our people with an I-Phone.
Now onto phase 2. Our airwaves are being overrun by nails on a chalkboard sounding, ear splitting, migraine inducing noise some call music. When I was driving in the car yesterday listening to my favorite radio station one of these so called 'songs' came on. The intolerable noise that was emitted from the speakers an into my ear drums almost caused a major devastating car accident that, if I were not a superhuman, would have killed me. I don't know what it was called or who it was by but can you believe me if I said it had an actual instrument in it? And the voices weren't even auto tuned! The audacity of these new artists. How dare they taint my radio station that hots musical genius such as Big Sean, Kanye West, T-Swift, and soon to be star Rebecca Black. You can't have songs with supposed 'deep meanings' when you already have amazing songs written that embody the true meaning of art. The best example being "Sexy and I Know It". To prove my point, here are some lyrics.... "Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle... wiggle." Songs don't get any deeper than that! Phase 2 of my operation, get this peace loving, real instrument filled, hipster crap music off of our airwaves!
The final problem with our country is we lackmoral values. So how do we fix this problem? The answer is simple, we put on more TV shows that promote these values. We need to do away with stations like the History Channel, National Geographic, and PBS kids and add more shoes like "The Jersey Shore", "Teen Mom", and "Toddlers and Tiaras". Americans could use a lesson or two about unity and family from "Jersey Shore". Even when Snookie took a mean right hook right to the face her family of overly orange, steroid ingesting, stereotypical guidos had her back. They all went into an alcohol induced rage and beat the living poop out of the assailant. If thats not the epitome of family then I don't know what is. We need shows like "Teen Mom" to help guide our new generation of 13 year old mothers in their struggles with unexpected pregnancies. That show is a role model for all sexually active teens. America is becoming extremely unmotivated and undedicated. So we need more shows like "Toddlers and Tiaras". Nobody, and I mean nobody, is nearly as dedicated as those three year old girls, and sometimes boys, who strut their stuff in front of a panel of 45 year old pedophiles. Maybe we could all learn something by living vicariously through our children. Phase 3 of my plan, get some quality programing on the air.
As you can all see, our country is falling into shambles. We have a tough life here in America. We have to deal with hassles such as an overabondance of fast food chains, plastic surgeons who can't suck out all the fat, and don't forget about the fact that our public schools are still forcing other languages onto our children. We all know American is the ONLY language! Forget world hunger. Forget about a 'supposed' global economic collapse. And for the love of God, a nuclear apocalypse shouldn't be a concern we all know we wouldn't miss Canada if it were blown off the map. We need to solve our own problems before America can save the rest of the world.
I clicked on this link out of pure curiosity.... it was SO worth it, I was laughing the whole time!! ah! absolutely made my day, thank you for being funny so I don't have to depend on others to make me laugh!
ReplyDeleteHaha I'm glad to see someone finds it entertaining. I will keep aiming to please so keep checking it out :)
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