Entry #10: The Internet is for Porn

Well folks this is what I've degraded to. Taking suggestions from idiots who suggest writing about porn and its influences in the 21st century. Sadly, I actually care about my fan (or lack thereof) so I will appeal to their inappropriate tastes. I guess the best place I can start with this one is the introduction of porn. Since the beginning of man the human instinct of sticking one vile organ into another has been imbedded in all of us (women included), yet the idea of paying to watch others 'do the dirty' came about with the invention of cinema. My main time period of study is ancient mesopotamia up through the renaissance so don't quote me on any other time after that. So that being said, time to continue. Once the invention of moving pictures came about, it was only a matter of time before some pervert decided to point the camera at two people doing it. I mean think about it. It all started with the moving pictures of a horse running. Two stubborn fools with too much free time got in an argument as to whether or not a horse is constantly connected to the earth or if at any point in their run all four of their legs leave the ground at the same time. So they set up a row of cameras attached to strings that would trigger them to go off as the horse went by. Who won the bet I couldn't tell you, well I could if I wasn't too lazy to google it. Anywho, after tapping the horse people started taping scenes at train stations, parks, public places, and then the perverts came along and took the camera to a darker more intimate location. The idea was genius. They would film the 'dirty deeds' and then charge people to watch it. What could possibly go wrong? Sadly, the thing that went wrong was the invention of the internet. Of course the internet started with things such as basic messaging, a few websites, and a dictionary. And yet again the perverts entered the field and started sending their dirty works into the cyber world. When it first started out people actually paid for it online too. It was amazingly profitable, hence why so many people put it on there. However all good things are meant to come to a close. Eventually people started finding free websites to get their fix so the paid porn industry started tanking. Nowadays we even have a saying, 'the internet is for porn' (it's a really catchy song, you should totally look it up). The sad fact of it is that 1% of the internet is actual fact, 9% is made up wikipedia information, and the last 90% is porn. Lets face it, in the end those primitive perverts were right all along. They actually had two things right. The first thing being that humans will forever go around sticking one bodily organ into another. And the second being, if you have it on tape your video will go viral in a matter of minutes. A word to the wise, start a porn site, sell some advertisement banners to companies, get a couple of buddies or are comfortable with their bodies, and start producing some videos. Who knows, the stock market could fail, the internet could get shut down, and people will have to go back to paying for porn.

Just a Short Break

Well folks I've got a busy weekend of slaying dragons, ending world hunger, and visiting my girlfriend at college so I will not be posting anything for the next few days. HOWEVER, I want you all to take this time to come up with suggestions for future entries. These can be topics that you want to hear a second opinion on or just anything that you are interested on hearing my own personal views. Also I am going to be kicking off an Anonymous 'box', so to speak, where you can post questions or if you dont want others to know your suggestions you can also post them there. You can just click on the following link : http://www.formspring.me/dannyberger  and post anything you'd like to show up in a possible blog entry. All ideas are welcome. Good luck to all of you. And congrats to all of those who havent had any medical malfunctions while reading this blog. 

Entry #9: Helping the Helpless

The other night I was coming home from Philly, when we passed a poor misfortunate homeless man holding a sign that said 'Homeless, going anywhere.' Naturally I asked if I could pick him up. The passengers in my car all responded with a quick no, shooting my idea straight down in an instant. While, driving my head was whirling with thoughts. My first thought though was that someday I was going to get another person to go with me and we were going to actually pick up a hobo. Now I know what you're thinking, 'your car is going to smell,' or the most common response, 'the hobo is going to kill you,'. Well I'd like to beg to differ. There are a few possibilities that I could think of actually playing out. The first one would go kind of like this. Find a hobo. Pull up to him asking if he wants a ride. Hobo is so dumbstruck that he says never mind and walks away thinking completely astounded by the fact that someone actually was going to pick him up. In all honesty if I were a hobo I wouldn't have planned for a situation to arise. In fact I would tell the nice driver, 'I didn't think anyone would actually pick me up. I think I'm going to go rethink my life now,' and then clean myself up, write a resume, and get a quality job at McDonalds. That is situation one. Now unto situation number two. Find a hobo. Pull up to him and ask if he wants a ride. Hobo says yes, throws his stuff in the trunk and hops in the back. You begin talking, the conversation gets awkward and is soon followed by a long awkward silence, and then the hobo decides the silence is literally tearing him apart so he does a barrel roll out of you car, cleans himself up, writes a resume, and gets a quality job at McDonalds. Now onto the third and most convincing situation that will show you that optimism trumps crazy killer hobo theories. Situation number three. Find a hobo. Pull up and ask him if he needs a ride. He throws his stuff in the trunk and hops in the back seat. Now, originally he plans on slitting your throat and stealing your identity. However, right before he pulls out the knife a thought goes through his head. 'This man, out of the kindness of his heart, picked me up off the streets. Today he need not fear my blade,' and then a beautiful thing happens. You and the hobo form a beautiful relationship where you learn all about each other. You take him into your home, toilet train him, shower him, and realize his true inner beauty. The two of you cooperate and formulate a plan to start up a multibillion dollar company. The company takes off and the two of you are rich. Thats the ideal situation. Now onto situation number four. He gets in your car and kills you. It's a matter of perspective. Is the glass half full or half empty? 

Entry #8: Valentines Day Special

You kick things when you're angry,
You Dox things when you're bored.
But in the world of love,
You've left much unexplored. (get it, cause you're currently single)

You can't be called a racist, or bipolar, or a drunk,
Cause the fact is you hate everyone equally, as if we all were skunk.
But if you should ever need a friend to hug, kick, or punch,
I know a wimpy kid down the street, and then we'll go get lunch.

-Happy Valentines day to my buddy Matt. You won the competition so here's your poem. xD


It's that time of year again. The time when single people post nothing but 'I'm so lonely' facebook statuses and when those with significant others pretend like they wrote a completely original 'I love you so much' status that is actually cut and paste from google. Personally, I'm indifferent about Valentines Day, or better known as 'National Stimulate the Economy Day Through the Purchase of Chocolates and Hallmark Cards Day'. It is a very black white sort of holiday that can either really suck or just be alright. Being single on Valentines Day is pretty bad. But being that kid that never gets any sort of card or candy in elementary school even when the rule is to share with everyone but the dumb self esteem destroyers claim they forgot your card, is even worse. It only gets worse in high school. Unlike elementary school where you at least get one from the teacher, there is a strong possibility that you will go home empty handed. So now not only do your fellow classmates refuse to be your Valentine, but so doesn't any of your 9 teachers. Turns out teachers just pretend to care about you until you hit high school. Then they turn into cold, heartless beings. But Valentine's Day doesn't always just suck for the single people. It can be just as devastating to those with significant others. You see, it sucks because the guy goes out, buys a card, gets some chocolates (that end up melted by the time the girl gets it), and then writes a 1 page love note in which he says 'I can't describe my love for you because it would take all the paper in the world' when in actuality he's just lazy. After all the work the emasculated man is only aiming for one and one thing only.... to show his love to his girl. No that's totally not true. Lets face it everyone, all the guy wants is to get laid. Back in elementary school the guy wanted a hug, in middle school he shot for that peck on the lips, and after his first BJ in high school he's all wound up and ready to get laid. So let me rephrase my original thoughts on this dreadfully sexist holiday. Valentine's Day is clearly a women's holiday. Men, don't expect to actually gain anything from it, whether you are a seasoned single man or a 'my balls are in her pocket' whipped piece of meat. We all need to accept that fact that it is a holiday for women. So women, if you happen to be single on Valentine's Day go out, find a nice poor sucker who's down on his luck, and make his day a little sweeter. Men, quite bitching about being single, it's probably your fault anyways. And on a final note, I write to a very special someone in my life. My dearest love, you have dealt with me for just about two years now. The best gift I could get you is either lasik to fix your eyes, or a one year membership to an AA meeting. That way you could get out of your drunk stupor and put your glasses on perhaps will realize that I am in fact not as hot as I look. But, until that day comes I'm glad you're mine. And I'd continue writing nice things about you but it would take up about a billion blogs and nobody would read them. Oh, and I am totally not like the other guys who only aim for one thing on Valentine's Day. I wouldn't try to sway you with cute love notes, a box of chocolates, and a 'Danny Dollar'. That "Danny Dollar" isn't a hint at getting to 'abuse' me (in a sexual sense). It is a completely innocent pass to get me to do something like give you a massage, or make you dinner, or even watch The Notebook with you and is in no way a hint at any sort of sexual innuendo... Unless of course, it would make you happy. Because again, Valentine's Day is just about making the one you love happy. ;)

Entry #7: Road Rage

A question I've always had up in my massive noggin; Why is it that the moment a person enters a car their entire personality changes? I've got solid evidence that this is the case. While leaving school one day I was talking to a friend, just having a causal conversation. We both reached our respective mode of transportation and bid our farewells. We both live in the same town so it must have been fate that we'd meet on the highway that leads to our town. Now, the moment our eyes met something fierce clicked in our brains. One moment we're cruising at a leisurely teenage pace of about 60 mph and the second our eyes meet we are flying anywhere between75-85 mph completely oblivious to any other vehicles. bIn that split second we enter a death race for no reason whatsoever. Now I don't mind some friendly competition so I never really questioned this bit of driving. However, I have always wondered why people are just 200% more pissed off when driving. Sometimes while I'm driving down the road I'll meet eyes with a person and just smile and wave because it's just a nice thing to do. But the moment I initiate this exchange of non ill intended niceness the opposite party just flips out as if I just punted their newborn child across a moat of pedophiles. Am I the only one who has notice this? It's like you can't be nice while driving because you run the risk of being followed home and then promptly beaten to death. Not only does waving at them or smiling piss people off for no reason but any form of acknowledgment will just about do it. You could just tilt your head slightly in their vehicles direction and the next thing you know some soccer mom starts going full circle on your ass and all you did was scratch your nose. Another thing Ive noticed while driving recently is that the sound of a horn pretty much just sets off a ticking time bomb. I noticed this when I came up to an intersection at the same time as another driver. I decided I'd tap my horn to let him go first, again I was being nice. But instead of accepting my nice gesture he proceeded to get out of his car, walked over to my window with his beer belly sticking out in his false attempt at puffing out his chest, and he shouted a lot of profanities split up with the occasional death threat. Man did that escalate quickly. Lucky for him my car won't unlock until it's in park. I could have taken him. After that experience I decided to perform a little psychological experiment. I began to venture onto the highway. Once I was comfortably situated in the right lane I found my first test subject. It was a slow moving grey mini van doing way under the posted speed suggestion so it didn't take long to catch up. As soon as my car was positioned behind him I ever so lightly tapped my horn. The response was almost immediate. The man's neck bulged to twice its original size and his right hand went automatically into the middle finger raising gesture. He then promptly exited the highway because he was either that pissed or perhaps I had invoked an aneurism. My hypothesis was so far correct; if you honk at people they will get extremely angry. It's the whole cause and effect theory. So I continued my experiment on a a few more cars. One woman in a powder blue love bug unrolled her window and shouted out at me but then she must've realized that she was a blonde so the road needed her full attention. Another woman who was applying mascara jabbed herself in the eye as a first response to my pleasant horn. One man actually decided to get in front of me and have his son throw loose napkins out the window in a sad attempt to blind me. His plan backfired when he realized my car was so aerodynamic that the napkins blew right over my car and into the cop behind me. I'm pretty sure he regretted that decision. The moral of the story here folks; don't get so pissed off when driving. I am a huge offender of this. However I try to ignore the small stuff like friendly nods and gestures and horn blaring. Instead I focus on getting pissed at the things that matter like ancient citizens driving in the left lane, stupid squirrels darting under my tires, and those damn development kids who think their impervious to my one ton vehicle.

Entry #6: Things That Bother Me- Part 1

Now before I go off on this tangent I am hopping that since you have eyes and can read, this is safe to assume because I don't write my entries in brail, you noticed the title included 'Part 1.' I want to make it perfectly clear that the this entry in absolutely no way completely expresses all the things that bother me. If I were to write one entry about that this website would have to buy more server space just to contain the conclusion of my entry. Now that I've made that clear lets take a step into my mind. Don't worry about taking off your shoes because it's dirty enough (*drum snares*). While browsing my Facebook feed full of the usual two kids complaining about life, about twenty relationship status changes from the same person, and the 'hey man these lyrics totally explain my life *insert lyrics from As$ As$ As$ here*',  I came across a Facebook status that made me want to go find myself the nearest Home Depot, find its home improvement section, ask an assistant where the demo toilets are, and then proceed to sit on a cactus while I take a huge dump all over the person who posted the waste of html coding that is called a 'status'. It read something like this, "Hi my name is *name undisclosed for privacy reasons but he is a guy just to make this story make sense* and I love huge wangs in my bum hole.... # hacked by your brother."........... Can I just start out by saying this is literally more annoying than a small child who's all caffeinated up sitting on the same couch as you bouncing up and down with nothing to play with except your personal bubble?! What in the actual Santa's hell has society come to? Is it because our generation of teens are blessed with being ardtards that they post things like that? I'd like to have enough faith in the world to think that people, regardless of how technologically unsavvy they are, could tell the difference between actual hacking and some idiot LEAVING THEIR FACEBOOK LOGGED ON! For the love of all that is holy in this damned world would people please stop saying they 'hacked' their friends or siblings' accounts. You didn't hack it. I don't care if you call me the destroyer of dreams or just a Debbie Downer it's time for you to get smacked in the face with the heavy hand that is reality. You didn't hack this account you are now posting all over. Your friend had to go take a dump and you got bored so you opened their minimized web browser and just so happend to notice the tab that was already open which just so happened to be Facebook. So no, you are not a hacker, in fact you are a criminal in some states because you just invaded somebodies privacy. You should feel awful. I think anyone who does this should suffer some form of penalty. We need a masked vigilante justice to go and find these idiots and bring them to light. Anyone caught doing this so called 'hacking' should have all of their shirts sharpied saying something like 'Haha I hacked your dresser because you conveniently left it open you jackwagon!" I think that would definitely cut down on all these dumb "I hacked you" statuses. Until then, if you are my friend on facebook just log off when you're at a friends house. Because if another one of those dumb statuses catches my eyes I may very well 'hack' into my car, drive to a close by shore, and take a long walk off of a short pier. And by that I mean fall into the ocean, grow gills, and make undersea friends so I can go home and add all of my normal undersea friends on Facebook and delete the morons I have to deal with on a daily basis.

Entry #5: First World Problems

America has begun to spiral into a state of hopelessness. George Washington once said, " Johnson, get your fat ass in the ship and don't rock or you'll flip us into the river!" That quote had nothing to do with this but I felt the need to say it anyways. Yes, that is an actual quote. Anyhow, we as Americans need to stop focusing on foreign affairs such as the overpopulation of Mexico and the lack of child laborers in China, and start looking at the problems we are currently facing in our own country.

Fact! There are currently 313,914,041.65 people living in the United States. However out of all those people, only 18.5 million own an I-Phone. This is simply unacceptable! Everybody needs to have an I-Phone. They provide users with an arsenal of productive applications which can be used to conquer our hectic day to day lives. How are people expected put pants on in the morning without a reminder alert telling them to? Where can people update facebook with their ever changing relationships while at school or work? But most importantly, who do we ask where to hide the bodies!? With this lack of I-Phone wielding citizens our streets will soon be crawling with pantless fiends and abandoned dead bodies. Phase one of Operation First World Problems, arm our people with an I-Phone.

Now onto phase 2. Our airwaves are being overrun by nails on a chalkboard sounding, ear splitting, migraine inducing noise some call music. When I was driving in the car yesterday listening to my favorite radio station one of these so called 'songs' came on. The intolerable noise that was emitted from the speakers an into my ear drums almost caused a major devastating car accident that, if I were not a superhuman, would have killed me. I don't know what it was called or who it was by but can you believe me if I said it had an actual instrument in it? And the voices weren't even auto tuned! The audacity of these new artists. How dare they taint my radio station that hots musical genius such as Big Sean, Kanye West, T-Swift, and soon to be star Rebecca Black. You can't have songs with supposed 'deep meanings' when you already have amazing songs written that embody the true meaning of art. The best example being "Sexy and I Know It". To prove my point, here are some lyrics.... "Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle... wiggle." Songs don't get any deeper than that! Phase 2 of my operation, get this peace loving, real instrument filled, hipster crap music off of our airwaves!

The final problem with our country is we lackmoral values. So how do we fix this problem? The answer is simple, we put on more TV shows that promote these values. We need to do away with stations like the History Channel, National Geographic, and PBS kids and add more shoes like "The Jersey Shore", "Teen Mom", and "Toddlers and Tiaras". Americans could use a lesson or two about unity and family from "Jersey Shore". Even when Snookie took a mean right hook right to the face her family of overly orange, steroid ingesting, stereotypical guidos had her back. They all went into an alcohol induced rage and beat the living poop out of the assailant. If thats not the epitome of family then I don't know what is. We need shows like "Teen Mom" to help guide our new generation of 13 year old mothers in their struggles with unexpected pregnancies. That show is a role model for all sexually active teens. America is becoming extremely unmotivated and undedicated. So we need more shows like "Toddlers and Tiaras". Nobody, and I mean nobody, is nearly as dedicated as those three year old girls, and sometimes boys, who strut their stuff in front of a panel of 45 year old pedophiles. Maybe we could all learn something by living vicariously through our children. Phase 3 of my plan, get some quality programing on the air.

As you can all see, our country is falling into shambles. We have a tough life here in America. We have to deal with hassles such as an overabondance of fast food chains, plastic surgeons who can't suck out all the fat, and don't forget about the fact that our public schools are still forcing other languages onto our children. We all know American is the ONLY language! Forget world hunger. Forget about a 'supposed' global economic collapse. And for the love of God, a nuclear apocalypse shouldn't be a concern we all know we wouldn't miss Canada if it were blown off the map. We need to solve our own problems before America can save the rest of the world.