Entry #4: Swagger

On Sunday's I like to reflect back upon my week and think deeply about all that happened. On this particular Sunday, however, my reflection is tainted by a black cloud of a thought that has enveloped my generally philosophic mind. That black cloud has a name; swag. The only recollection of this past week I have is getting stuck behind those "cool kids" with so much swag they could package it into fifty pound bags and ship it around the earth to end world hunger. Whilst walking down the hall trying to get to class on time I constantly found myself stuck behind these 'Swaggins'(I just coined a term). I know what you're thinking, "why dont you just go around?" The answer is simple, you cannot go around a pack of teens hellbent on walking as if they just got done riding a fully grown adult elephant. It is simply impossible. Why anyone would think walking at a snails pace is cool, I don't really have an answer to. In fact, why anyone these days would think it's cool to copy anything inmates do it jail is completely beyond my own understanding. For example, the guys that sag their pants below their ass-cracks even though they're wearing a belt probably haven't heard that that style originated in prisons. You see, the pants hanging down on the ground was, and still is, used as a sign to other inmates announcing, "Heya! I just got raped in the showers by Little Ned! His name is pretty ironic... Anyways, come have a go if you want!" Why teens think thats cool is, again, beyond my own understanding. When one particular problem plagues my mind so much as to prevent me from openly reflecting back upon my week there is a huge problem. So, I came up with a simple solution to fix the issue at hand. Starting this week, if I get caught behind you and your swag in the hallway at any point in the day I am just going to punch you square in the back of your head. It's as simple as that. No more asking you politely to walk faster or move, just a clean hard punch to the back of the cerebral cortex. Maybe that will connect those lose wires you have hanging inside your underused brain and make you see the light. I like to think of myself as a trail blazer. So if you find me in In-School suspension this week you'll all know why. Let us never be late to class again because of the 'Swaggins'. Once we fix them, we'll have to focus on the tool bags who like to have conversations in high traffic intersections in the hall....

Entry #3: Working Woes

So I had to work for the first time in a month tonight. For those of you who don't already know I am a delivery master... politically correct way of saying a Pizza Prostitute. If you didn't know that already get go get three ice cubes, a pack or mentos, a young bison calf, and... well I won't finish that though, use your imagination. Anywho, I was working tonight and it did nothing but solidify my disappointment with consumers nowadays. If you've ever worked before you know what I'm talking about. Consumers are literally the dumbest people in the entire world. I thought I got away from the lazy fat dumb ones when I left Mcdonalds. Oh how horribly wrong was I. You see, when working the drive through you only deal with idiots who think they're funny by "conning" you or ordering a beer in the drive through. Sometimes you get the occasional old guy who buys a coffee in the morning and refills it continually throughout the day and thinks he's real sneaky. But working as a delivery boy you see some shiz. I'll break you in easy. When I first started working there I thought "Oh awesome, I only have to put up with a few crazy people for three minutes max. Easy peasy." I was horribly mistaken. I deliver to a crazy cat lady once a week. The crazy part isn't what bothers me. What bothers me is when I knock on her door and she waddles over, opens the door but leaves the screen door closed and holds up the "please wait a moment finger." Lady its a screen door I could hear you if you talked! So from the start I'm already pretty agitated. However, it wasn't even the waiting that really bothered me, it was more the reason why she was holding up my life. She wouldn't open the screen because her dumb cat decided to sit right by it waiting for chance to escape her undying love. I don't blame the cat for wanting a way out. In fact, if I were that cat I (apart from being allergic to myself) would position a Twinky over top of hot stove so that when she tripped she would flip over the pot of boiling water and it would fly into the air and, by any grace of God, boil me alive. A cat can only dream. So to wrap up an experience that actually lasted about 20 minutes which consisted of the women saying "Pudding move" "Pudding you can't go outside" and "Pudding go back to Mommy's bed." That was one of the stupid people I had to deal with on a weekly basis. Oh did I mention that it's always conveniently 40 below zero when I deliver there and she insists on making me wait outside for Pudding to move. Excuse me, I am in the wrong here folks. I should really have more patience. Speaking of patience, could horny american teens please be patient when waiting for their pizza? A golden rule for ordering a pizza for delivery: Wait to have sex until after the pizza gets there. You'd be surprised how common it is for me to walk up to a door that has a very pretty window thats WIDE FREAKING OPEN! Yes I can see you two dry humping the hell out of each other with just your underwear on. That can lead to hip problems in the future not to mention mental scaring it causes the innocent delivery boy who is so kindly bringing you food to recharge your "batteries." If you are unable to wait for the food to get there at least don't send your boyfriend to pay and get the food because at some point he won't be able to hide his erection because he needs two hands to carry the pizza. I'd much rather have the girl take the food from me. Just a personal preference. So next time you order a pizza and then suddenly get horny as hell just remember, the pizza delivery boy has feelings too. (take that as you may... if you know what I mean.)

Entry #2: Stupid Americans...

Whilst eating some quality gourmet chick nuggets at Wendy's the other day I decided I wanted to dunk my tasty morsel into some ketchup. However, as i proceeded to add some sweetness to the sodium covered food I hit a wall... literally. Or more precisely, I hit a wall that was the white paper we call a "dipping cup." Unable to ever so carefully cover the nugget I soon gave up and pumped ketchup unto a napkin. However, walking back to the table it fell through onto my white shirt and I went home utterly defeated. The next day, while sulking in school still from my horrid misadventure the day before, I was sitting next to my video production teacher when he said, "Did you know that six out of the seven dwarves weren't Happy?" This was enough to snap me, somewhat, out of my depression. Enough to ask him the question that has plagued mankind for centuries, "How do you fit the chicken nugget in those tiny cups?" His face lit up, as if a light from heaven decided to shine conveniently upon him at that precise moment... actually a car pulled into the sunlight at an angle that bent the light from the sun directly into our eyes forcing us to move out of the way before causing permanent cornea damage. After we recovered though he began to endow his wisdom upon me. He explained to me the mystical art that is Unfolding! Now I will pass that knowledge unto you, the lucky reader who actually gives two shits about this blog. You see, the cups themselves are folded into a spiral form. Once you place ketchup into their selfish grasps you must perform three very important steps to release the sweet nectar from its cold white hands. Step one, go back to your dining area and place the cup onto a perfectly flat surface. Some suggest that you carry a level with you to make sure it is flat enough. Once a postion has been taken up you enter Step 2, perhaps the hardest step in any activity you may attempt in your life such as discovering the cure for the common cold and yes, even harder than figuring out how to release your fingers from those Chinese finger traps WITHOUT cutting it with scissors. Step 2, proceed to pull the outer edges of the basterd of a white cup extending the folds out of their ancient slumbers. This will create a pedestal for your ketchup to sit on top of. You have just widened the circumference of the cup to triple its original size. If your chicken nugget still cannot fit then you should probably return it and claim they injected that particular piece with above average amounts of chicken steroids. Your last and final step, dunk that delicious pice of white meat into the sauce and enjoy the sweet and salty taste of cholesterol... I mean victory. Take what you have learned here and share this knowledge with all who you love. For it was passed down from the ancient Egyptians before the pyramids were built and handed through the very fibers of time. You're welcome for blowing your mind. This is my blogs first Mindgasm... the first of many to come.

Entry #1: Snap Chat

Now don't get me wrong, I am usually pretty quick when it comes to technology. However, I wasn't the quickest on the uptake when it came to Snap Chat. Apparently I am one of the last human beings to download and start using it as a form of communication. To be honest, I still don't quite get its real life application, but hey, I'll try new things. I only see a few problems with it as of right now. First and foremost, it is a nightmare for those guys who have girlfriends who consistently ask "What are you up to?". In a normal text message one could say, "I'm working out at the gym" or "Nothing too exciting, just saving a baby from a tree," and either of those responses could generally be accepted as fact. But now when a girl Snap Chats you the question,"What are you up to?" with a cute puppy face you've got two options. 1. Quickly drive to the gym and or find a baby in a tree or 2. You take a picture of yourself sitting on your lazy ass watching Storage Wars or some other show on the History Channel that contains the word "Storage" in its title. This is just one complaint I have for the app. Maybe if they added a "photo tweak" option where you could throw in a fancy background and a picture filter to spice up your otherwise boring life it would be more appealing to guys like me who are either playing X-box or sitting in front of a computer screen doing nothing exciting or  picture worthy. The only other problem I find myself facing with Snap Chat is the fact that its like texting only with pictures. And if you are any other normal teenage boy you know how much thought actually goes into a text. Girls don't want a guy who replies with only one or two word answers, however they also don't care about our accomplishments pertaining to video games or how we completed the milk challenge by two seconds before throwing up everything we had eaten prior to chugging a gallon of milk within one hour. With all this to think about, guys tend to have a tough time finding a balanced formula of which to maintain a text conversation with a female that can last between 4 minutes and 8 hours (depending on the female texting, her current mood, and of course that special gift mother nature brings every month....and by that I mean that day she is forced to put gas in her car before it spontaneously combusts because she's been riding on "E" for the past 3 weeks (if you thought I was going to bring up another sensitive topic about women in my first blog you were wrongly mistaken). With the addition of adding photos to a conversation it is a matter of how long men can hold out before women just conclude that we should corale men into barns and only use them for fertilization because they obviously aren't capable of coming up with a million different poses to do when all they are really "up to" is sitting on our asses playing video games. Snap Chat is a great app that allows us to send those "creeper" pics that say "I see you" while sitting in class. However, past that initial message no further conversation through the use of pictures should be used. Soon enough news paper headlines may be reading "Teen Wreaks Car While Using Snap Chat," if popularity continues. Whatever happened to good ole' text messaging with the dial pads that had three letters per number and you had to spell everything out or pray to God that T-9 recognized the word you were trying to spell? This world is entering a new age, an age where apps just make men seem stupid and put women in a sense of control, which we all know simply isn't true. However, that is a topic for another time.